When Wholeness Seems Out Of Reach
I look down to see multi-colored beads
hanging from my neck, resting on my chest:
Those different shades of blue break through
the weariness of mind to soothe and delight.
I want to feel this way
when I look back up again at all parts of life
surrounding me. I want to be transported
by every color and shade:
Instead, the sharper ones cut me.
The softer ones call me a fraud.
The ones reflecting light seem light,
and make me feel heavy by comparison.
I know this feeling:
I am disconnected.
I am at a loss.
I am at a loss.
Loss, my worst enemy,
stealing all happiness from my footfall,
all the joy from my chatter.
Silence is my shadow.
Silence is my shadow.
I love it, but when I stay too long,
I become what I am not,
nor have ever intended to be.
Can I start again?
May I start again?
I want to start again,
But with great knowing.
Not a rebirth, really,
but a resurrection:
I don’t want to lose
what I have already worked to become.
Not a resurrection,
but a rebirth:
I want to be new and unshattered,
without wounds darting in and out of memory.
I want to remake my own story.