No Matter How Uncertain

Some things about me have changed a lot in the last few years since I began blogging. The momentum of rediscovered writing love has mellowed into faithfulness.  I'm neither new nor old but in the middle of a path, and, I have learned, this path is my own. I can learn from other writers, but I must surrender to my own process rather than try out someone else's system.

The same goes true for how a life unfolds. There's a certain path that is presented as normal to a young adult but then the actual lived experience as time goes on is such a different reality. And I wonder if maybe when I'm really very much older I might actually learn to feel settled in the unknown. Will I grasp what it means to cease striving? I don't know.

There are mixed messages in the sky, don't you know? We're made of (star)dust. We dream before we're old enough to know what it means to dream. We're asked to trust. And then reality elbows in like a cactus or a shard of glass or the sting of a few dozen fire ants, bringing with it the eternal "why?"

And I don't think I can tell you what the answer is or what any answers are for sure when the moments of crisis descend. It is so humbling to want to fix things -everything wrong with the world things- but know I cannot be the solution. I can only be the friend. Or sometimes even the one in need, which is the most vulnerable of all places for me.

It's times such as those that I have grown the most, though. I wouldn't ask for them, I wouldn't repeat them, but I am shaped by the pain which has visited me. And the one thing I've learned through it all is that when faced with the option to go bitter or go soft, I must always choose soft. It is health and power to choose soft. It's a counter-intuitive posture when fight-or-flight is the default, but it is a lifeline for me.

Tomorrow is still another day of unknowns. Another day suspended in transition. But I know where I'm headed, and my path, no matter how uncertain, is good. 

 

Inspired by my friend Amanda's post A Simple Prayer From The Woods. Thanks, lovely!

Jamie Bagley