What Happens When You Go Underground?

Friends, I know there are some huge gaps in my blogging history before this week. I have a bundle of excuses that will benefit nobody. The truth is, I’ve gotten closer to the earth and more in tune with the heavens: I’ve begun to follow my instincts and live in harmony with the longings of my spirit.

 

This came naturally to me when I was a younger mom, growing and birthing humans. As they age, though, the panic tends to take an upper hand. The fears are all too real and occasionally realized. Mothering the most vulnerable people on earth 24/7 is the most emotionally taxing job I can imagine. It is also physically taxing. Mentally taxing. And infuriatingly isolating.

 

In that period of intense isolation, I lost so much of myself. Not because children took it from me but because I left it off the priority list to maintain. Nobody is to blame here, though. It’s hard to prioritize on four hours of sleep. We’re not super heroes, even if we are required to do the work of one.

 

The strange thing is, my body started to fight back first. My body always jumps into the fray first. Aches, pains, twitches, you name it: my body tells the truth before my mind is willing to admit it. As inconvenient as this is, it’s also a gift in some way, when I am practicing attunement.

 

All of this to say, my body has been giving me grief, and in search of answers I am learning all over again how important it is to live by instinct and intuition. It is sad that I keep returning to this place where I believe I’m just a brain walking around in a body and somehow the mind is the be-all of knowledge. I know better than that, which is why any excuses I offer for absence in this space are a cheap answer to a much deeper puzzle. I was actually quiet on purpose, because my instincts said it was time to go underground.

 

Living below the surface can be just as vulnerable as telling you all my best kept secrets. It’s an intentional and controlled isolation from crowded spaces so I can get realigned with my core mission. That mission has to do with enrichment, but I cannot enrich the lives of others if I am not maintaining my own nutrition. So I obeyed my inner Sophia and stopped writing for the outside.

 

The periods of silence here on the blog do not mean idleness. They mean healing work from the inside out. They mean I am writing more poetry than I thought possible, some of which will be shared, I promise. They mean I am reaching out locally into my community, volunteering at my childrens’ school, cultivating in-person friendships, and exploring great places to nourish myself through food and experience. They mean I am investing quality time in my marriage. They mean I am learning to act with confidence upon my dreams instead of just dreaming out loud for outside approval. The silence means growth. The end of silence means spring.

 

Happy spring to all of you, and thank you.

Thank you

For trusting me

For not freaking out

When I confess

My complexity

Thank you


What about you? Have you ever gone underground in order to heal or fortify your soul? Are you feeling the nudges to do something like that soon? How do you know when it’s time? I’d love to hear about your personal experiences.

Jamie Bagley